I wanted to share a little in my journey here. By now, you’ve seen posts about what I use to get to sleep at night, how I deal with my kids fighting, products I use to stay safe online, but I haven’t really taken the time to talk about what I want out of this site and out of my life.
This post is very much a personal post. So I will not be recommending any products or services. It’s just an honest chat with you, my lovely audience.
As written about previously, I have taken to journaling to help gather my thoughts and opinions – among other uses. Writing today, I got onto the subject of why I continue to get up in the morning. I know what you’re thinking, well that’s awfully dramatic. And it felt like it, too, to be honest. But the thing is, I’ve struggled with depression for 2/3 of my life now. There’s been that gray cloud with me everyday for the last 22 years. Some days the cloud is smaller and allows the sunshine to come through, or at least poke around. But other days, the cloud erupts into a raging Midwest thunderstorm certain to at least take a few shingles off the roof. Add in my more recent (as in the last 15 years) anxiety, and the last 4 years with panic attacks, and life is simply difficult some days. I have found myself wondering why, just why so terribly often, that it may as well be tattooed across my forehead.
Lately, however, I have found myself wondering how. How did I get here? How do I move forward? How can I motivate myself to my greater potential? And lately, how can I be the change I so badly desire? Today, I found myself writing just that. It’ll sound a little hippy-dippy, but I found that what I need to move forward is love and optimism.
If any of you have been to my YouTube channel, also PapaBearatHome, you’ll see a large number of videos of me meditating in my Shorts playlist. Meditation has played a big role in improving my mental health as of late, and it helps me really focus in on what I want to achieve and to reflect on the things that made me this way. With that, I am able to really zone in and focus on different events, memories, and even emotions stronger than before.
I found that what I’m really looking for is a certain feeling that I haven’t truly felt since the summer of 2000. I had just finished fifth grade, and had gone to Australia and New Zealand as a sports ambassador. I came back from that trip so excited, so happy about everything, and it was really my mental peak. My peak of happiness, of hope, almost everything positive. That feeling is what I am chasing every morning. I can still feel it there. It’s lying deep in the ashes, that glowing ember, and I’m just hoping to provide it with enough fuel to spark a flame and really set ablaze. That is what I’m truly optimistic about. I am chasing that peak of happiness.
So what does that have to do with this website? I wanted a place to deposit information and whatever else I felt like for people to come and share with me. Along the way, I would learn lessons of my own and become a better father, husband, friend, and just a better human. And I hope those of you who make it to this post start to feel that, too. I want to be a catalyst for others to begin to feel optimistic about their futures. Perhaps you have a child with special needs like me and you just want some resources for that; there’s an article for it. Maybe you want to know what to do about your kids swearing too much; there’s an article coming shortly about that. Perhaps you’re looking for a way to rekindle the flame within your heart; there’s a couple articles to put you in the right direction.
I hope you all can begin to feel a bit of that spark like I have recently, and that your life starts to take shape. I hope you can begin your days feeling that sense of love and optimism as I have in the recent days and weeks. I hope you start living your best life, and I hope that I can be a part of it.
Thank you so much for reading.
With Love,
Ben